Night Blooms

I’m really bad with relaxing. Bad at ‘doing nothing.’ Meditating helps, but otherwise I’m constantly restless. Whenever I don’t have a deadline, or a specific thing that I’ve decided to pursue, I do silly walks in my apartment and start and restart activities and hobbies. I’ll play a game for half an hour until guilt shuts it off, or I’ll watch a film and end up inspired so I’ll write for five minutes only to end up sketching instead!

It’s dumb. It’s something I’m working on.

A few hobbies have stuck with me though.

I’ve been playing a lot of chess this year and this one website makes cute little gifs. I’m particularly happy about my(black) endgame in this one. No idea that chess could be this goddamn cute. Look at these tiny kings and queens dancing with logic! Adorable war.

I bought myself a tiny lil synth and whenever I get into the mood – I make stupid lil songs with it. Here’s the first one I did. Being an amateur, my program of choice is FLstudio 12 or, as it was formerly known, FRUITY LOOPS. I think it’s funny as all hell that they try to avoid their original name now that they’re going after the ‘pro music maker’ market. I guess saying ‘I write my songs with Fruity Loops’ doesn’t sound all that serious. Anyhow, it’s freeing to have a creative hobby I have no goals or ambitions with. I don’t care if it’s good. I don’t care if people like it or not. I’m just having fun and nothing else.

I think I’ve kind of switched polarities. My work’s gotten more and more important to me and the rest has fallen to the wayside. I bet I’m a tough person to date now since my attention is usually… elsewhere. It’s funny – I used to be possessive of people and lovers and now I’ve become more solitary. Often, I find myself alone by choice. It follows then that the perfect relationships, romantic or otherwise, tend to be the ones where people understand and leave room for each other, yet never forget each other. Love is a choice of commitment and yet noone can commit constantly. Noone can love constantly.

I don’t know. There’s no real rhyme or reason to these things. Just keep it interesting, I think. And when something frightens you, then it’s what you’re meant to be doing.

Or something.

What was this about? Hobbies? See what happened?

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