I’m alone on an island once again; looking after a cat and writing another book.
Yesterday I biked to the store, back again and then circled the island, all while it rained. I climbed a tower and said hello to the six pairs of swans that seem to favor the northern coast. There is an interesting moment once the last of the rain dwindles. When intermittent notes drop from the eaves of the roof and get punched full of light by the sudden bursts of sun. A moment of awakening, I guess? Maybe. Something or other. Something walks from leaf to tree to stem and takes care to spur them upwards in a moment of silent isolation.
I’ve been collecting people, I realized. I’ve been collecting people and relationships. Giving things a chance. Trying to find “happy” with girls that make me feel anything. But I’m not sure why I’ve been doing it. I enjoy being alone, even as feelings come and go. Even if lust rears its head or old memories come back but…
I now know just how rare it is to truly connect with someone. To not want to kick them out after a week. To want them truly and wholly. I used to try and define it, to analyze it and I don’t think I will next time. Next time I just want to enjoy it and be happy in it. Everything we do is a sort of madness or a delusion, and we all dream of an all-conquering blue sky that would embrace us just as we’d embrace them. And it’s dangerous; you can disappear and get confined…
What I’m saying is that there exists a balance. And while I dread and crave that blindness that I’ve experienced in the past, it’s impossible that I’d forget that I am myself. We all are. And happiness should come out of existing, not out of other people. From somnolent journeys you make when you are truly separated from others.
Eh. I sound love sick, don’t I?
But friends are fun and I’m glad I have the few that I have.
I’ve decided to let the stage play sit for a while and focus on my next book. I’m still writing poems, but my style is changing so rapidly that it’s hard to pin any of them down. The short film is pretty much ready. I tried to score it myself and while I feel like I was making headway, the equipment I have just isn’t good enough. I’ll have to look into it.
Got some other stuff planned for the summer months that seem fun and exciting.
Here’s me ten years ago:
Yeah, I know. Killer. Lots has changed, but that brood is still there, baby.
jesus. okay. time to stop.